
(2023)
Heredosporium
Heredosporium is the fruit of an exploration, which led me through a journey of self- discovery, self-awareness and eventually back to my origin. “Where does my depression come from?” has been the constant question I’ve asked myself through the years. There have been many answers and each one of them has given me more insight into myself. It is no longer about asking such a specific question, but about giving it structure to something that is part of me. Give it space and see it, in order to integrate it; integrate it, in order to release it. My depression has been redefined over the years. Alongside this redefinition, a quest was born: to understand myself through those who precede me and to review my family history of trauma, to bring awareness to a mental health illness. I was first diagnosed with major depression at the age of twenty-two. It started to grow slowly in me, without me realizing what was happening. I felt it as a form of parasitism. Parasitism is a kind of symbiosis in which one organism (referred to as the parasite) benefits at the expense of another organism (referred to as the host); the interaction may also cause harm to the host. In my case, I saw the parasite as the depression (represented by bacteria and fungi), and the host as my mind and body. The conditions for the parasite to grow were optimal for a weak host with a lingering transgenerational trauma. Depression is invasive, it acts like a bacteria or fungi that spreads easily when encountering an environment conducive to its growth. Every negative thought, resentment, pain and trauma is a nutrient for its growth, thus affecting my body and mind, acting as an invading colony. I used my body as a metaphorical laboratory to recreate depression. Body portraits were intervened with bacteria from my body and fungi from the environment. Some days during this process, I felt like I was re-living the infection by experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. For instance, when I started documenting the bacteria and fungi growing in my auto portraits I felt nausea, disgust and rejection towards my work. It was a confrontation with a part of me I did not want to see. It was the first time that I could actually see depression invading my body and it had a huge impact. I documented the auto portraits each day until the bacteria and fungi stopped growing. That moment I felt there was a dialogue between me and my work; the invasion is in pause.
